Please Pretend You Don’t See Me

today was heading to Sentral Bus Terminal

guess who did i met

my cousin and his gf
  *

the girl in a green dress

with casual heels

the boy in white casual top

carrying black lappy bag

so vacationally casual

*

yet without losing the touch of professionalism

of course they are doctors

in two years time

*

but me?

jobless, school-less

going on a insignificant trip

in silly cap and loose T

i am not trying to be sarcastic

or envious

*

but these are real solid facts

that's why i was avoiding them

with all my might

because i was afraid

to be faced with the same questions

over and over again

* 

two days ago

got ambushed by the gossipy neighbour

"so your daughter has quitted school

it is like that one, people overseas won't accept us well

so have you got your transcript from school, you must"

*

i couldn't take all these anymore

just quietly told my mom that

we were running late

mom told her

she knew what i was thinking

*

"no, but your transcript is important

to show that you have been there for 2 years

"look at my daughter

design graduate from Australia

now she is in customer service

what you study sometimes won't be

relevant to what you are doing"

*

mtf

it's all enough

great

now the whole street knows

that i am a school-dropout

how cool is that

*

who doesn't know that your daughter 

3 of your children, in fact

are Australian graduates

* 

i am suspecting how she came across

this piece of hot-from-oven news

must be the other day

my dad told the Otaku next door at our front yard

so the possibility is that

she got the news from the Otaku

but the second one sounds more reasonable

or she just kept her ears straight

and received the sonic wave

*

nowadays whenever i come home

or leaving home

keep myself on great alert

for all these uninvited guests

*

i am like a burglar into my own home

would it make you feel better

to ask about my uni-dropout status

would it enhance your quality of life

it won't.. in a million years

*

but it does hurt me

it hurts me terribly

so can't you all just leave me alone

*

when the decision was made

i have predicted scenarios like this

just that i am not strong enough

not well-prepared enough

it will melt me in tears immediately

* 

so is the case with my cousin over here

i don't wanna ruin my vacation

i don't wanna make a fool of myself

in front of them

*

what a lovely couple

with promising futures

the feeling is like meeting an ex

who is doing far better than you

although that's not our relationship

but obviously the bitterness, awkwardness

are just so similar

*

especially always being mocked by his mom 

over my academic performance

and over my empty love life

"so when we gonna meet your bf"

"so we will have a lawyer at home soon"

*

no no no 

it won't do

we were in the same class for 3 years

during primary school

*

all the way till secondary school

i always outperformed him

although we are not really officially competing

but others among the family

do compare, don't they

*

till A-levels, we were on tie

4 As each

everyone knows he is making his way

to becoming a doctor

and me, struggling hard at that bloody uni

*

now the situation is even worse

before that it was heaven vs earth

now it is heaven vs hell

*

that's no way out 

i hate to see peoples nowadays

it led me to become a more anti-socialist

*

even my own sister and brother-in-law

i feel that there is animosity

since the day i was slapped by her

and my phone was beyond recovery

our relationship is never the same again

*

my brother-in-law? 

the incident just confirmed his unfavourable

impression towards me

nothing much

good-for-nothing squander

*

i started to regret

why am i flying to Bangkok

after CNY next year

i should fly on CNY

*

who cares about the angpow

who cares about showy clothes

who will be there to wipe my tears

just in case i am under the attack

*

face the reality Steph

find somewhere to fly to

or even it is a long us ride

i don’t care

*

there wouldn't be anyone

really sympathise over your plight

there will never be any

just out of excessive curiosity

just to have another sad case to gossip about

* 

i need someone

to tell me what to do now

stop gossiping about me

if you don’t have the solution

otherwise why don't you just kill me

*