Friday, July 8, 2011

Clear Head X Covered in Red: Beside A Dead Bed

2011.07.07 Thursday

came back from KL

given up hope on my project

reached home around 1pm

I was just so glad to be home again

to hear that grandpa has been hospitalized yesterday

 

mom and dad

took their turns to go

but I didn’t get to

 

till dinner time

he had been sent back to his home

everyone knows that

there’s nothing much to be done about it

 

mom started calling everyone

telling them that

“father has been transferred back home

do not rush to the hospital anymore

and please be prepared”

 

less than 15 minutes

she got another call

“father has already passed away”

 

where’s dad

he went for his haircut

10 steps away from grandpa’s house

 

where’s everyone else

nope

there’s nobody else

except my youngest uncle

who witnessed his last moment

 

once touched down on his own bed

he chose to leave quietly

still under perfect consciousness

 

mom kept blaming herself

should have listened to him

since he kept asking to go home

in the afternoon

should not have sent him to the hospital

should have got there on time

 

but it just happened

he chose the moment and place

to be liberalized

nothing and nobody

should be blamed for it

 

soon everyone came and went

including the policemen

to certify the death

policemen at door

 

I was quite proud that

I stayed up and chanted

all the way till 5 am

 

it is because not much people are doing it

a big family, yes

only 3 adhere to Buddhism

my dad and two other youngest aunts

 

I surprised myself

for chanting the loudest sometimes

not being embarrassed by my

such childish voice

and sometimes

chanting at such a high note

as if it is a happy tune

sometimes going  too fast

 

being not a very pious Buddhist

all this while

I managed to stick through

with the adults

there are only 3 grandchildren who

stayed actually

and me being the only one

carrying his G surname

 

probably

it is to support my dad

since he was the one leading

if his own daughter is not going to do it

it is difficult to convince others, doesn’t it

I will do my best

to support him throughout

 

and probably

that’s the last thing

I can do for grandpa

not being around most of the time

since he was sick

 

being back at home

but not being able to see him

for the very last time

 

I seriously feel guilty about it

really

 

and Buddhists do believe that

the first 8 hours after death

is the critical period

where the soul

if you believe in one

gonna be taken to

the specific path he is going

 

therefore

by chanting for the whole 8 hours

under the name of Amitabha

we shall give him extra support

to go to a good path

 

Day II

2011.07.08

6:52 am

I kept expecting grandpa

to walk out of the room

in his usual pajama suits 

 

no he never will again

the opened door

 

Day II

2011.07.08

8:23 am

 

finally the undertaker is here

transferring the body

to the shops he once owned 

to embark on the very last journey

 

somehow tears got uncontrollable again

a body was what we saw

grandpa has already landed safely

somewhere else

never to return again

the undertaking process

 

6 days down the road

setting up a proper farewell

Bon Voyage, Grandpa

the last journey

 

I shall take the 6 days

to know my own clan better

to act as an independent entity

to help out to lighten my parent’s task

to learn all I have to about funeral rituals

 

and to do my best

to record down the journey